It’s the 12th of Rabiulawwal and I can feel love in the air. Last night’s mawlid at Expo was indescribable. Had been feeling down these last couple of days/weeks always in a state of confusion and last night healed everything. It’s amazing how we discover that our hearts yearn for the Almighty and His messenger once we come running to them. When we feel distant and just empty, sometimes, we don’t realize that its our hearts that are crying out for the love of the Almighty. So we look, and we search for anything and everything to distract us, to fill the void in us, to just give us peace.
Despite all that has happened in the past, I thought I would never have opened my heart up again. It was better for a while to keep everything buried and not address it but my heart belongs to Him and it is He that caresses it with feelings and emotions. Im a self-professed control freak, and that is why I hate matters of the heart. It’s one thing to fall in love with the All Loving Himself but another to fall for one of His creations.
I have always freaked when it comes to things like these and although it seems like I pine for companionship in my writings, deep down, I believe I’m still very much afraid of it. That is why I am so afraid to let go. To show affection and to show my feelings. It takes guts to go underneath the surface of things and I leave it as it is, untouched, undisturbed and less vulnerable.
Until I was met with two weeks that made me feel like I was floating in cloud 9. While the feeling left me delirious, there was the sane part of my brain that still managed to anchor me down to the ground. Even so, I did not feel like myself. Everywhere I went, everything I did, I brought a same thought with me and eventually it grew into a hope.
I never told anyone how much my hopes had grown because I didn’t know it myself. I was quietly confident that, I wasn’t all that invested in it so much so that a separation would not affect me greatly. I was still cautious, and very much so to be honest that I prayed for guidance.
Thrice I prayed and nothing happened. No sign, no answer. I thought I missed the sign and so I prayed again asking for one I could not deny at all when it was given to me.
And then it happened. No explanations, no answers, it just did.
And it hurt. A lot more than what I thought it would but I had no strength but to succumb to the pain.
Got it all out of my system, the whole two weeks worth of wondering and floating on cloud 9, I regurgitated every thought out.
Mother keeps telling me its better now than later, which is true. And she also told me this:
“You prayed thrice asking for a sign right? Now that’s your sign.”
I’m all better now, in fact, was better the day after already. I feel like myself again. No longer wondering and holding back. If it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t, oh well, I leave it to God.